So Andrew and I are gonna go out this sunday! :] I'm really hoping things go okay with him, I'm so sick of being alone. Don't ask what we are doing, but I'm sure I'll post about it :D
The kittens no how to get out of the basket now :/ lol they are so bad. I also rearranged my room today, I like when things are different sometimes and I haven't changed it in a long time so its all nice and clean and I really like it. When we get the new house (knock on wood) I need to get a new bed set because this one sucks. You no what I really want to do....clime or drive Mt.Washington. Maybe if things are good with Andrew he'll do that with me! he'll have to be in the car for like a million hours but we can do that later and if I have to do it alone I'll do that to cause I really want to do that!! oh goodness I really hope that I sleep in tomorrow morning, I woke up at 730 this morning. I'm just gonna roll back over if that happens. I got my nails did today, they kinda hurt a little bit but they look really good! Oh goodness magic mike this Saturday, I'm gonna be tired come Monday, the movies Saturday and then out on a date Sunday goodness I'm never gonna get sleep. Hopefully both days go by fast!! lol I'm sure they wont cause that's always what happens. lol okay till another day! :D
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
oh goodness I'm very tired today and I wanted to punch my co worker. She drives me crazy, she thinks because I'm young I don't no anything. I've been doing my job for a year, if I had just gotten out of school that's one thing but I didn't I no what I'm doing but every little thing I do she has to say that's wrong or moves something I put somewhere. UGH it makes me so crazy! I'm a little further in my book, IT'S SO GOOD!! The movie was really grate to but the book you see everyone's story and I like that! Andrew and I are still talking, I hope it works. I'm so sick of being alone. I kinda sound desperate maybe a little but I just want a man that will love me for me and want to be with me. Its really not a lot to ask, I don't think at least.
I'm gonna rearrange my room tomorrow! It desperately needs a cleaning so I'm gonna move things around and put them away so when we move (knock on wood) I'll no where everything is! :] well that's the plan anyways! :D I also have to get my oil changed and check a few things in my car cause my check engine light came on yesterday afternoon when I got out of work but went off when I went to the baseball game so I don't no I'll just have marty look at it. Hope it's nothing to big!
Okay night all!
I'm gonna rearrange my room tomorrow! It desperately needs a cleaning so I'm gonna move things around and put them away so when we move (knock on wood) I'll no where everything is! :] well that's the plan anyways! :D I also have to get my oil changed and check a few things in my car cause my check engine light came on yesterday afternoon when I got out of work but went off when I went to the baseball game so I don't no I'll just have marty look at it. Hope it's nothing to big!
Okay night all!
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
So I'm still talking to Andrew, he's to cute! But we need to go out so I can see for sure! I've started to read the help, I watched the movie and I absolutely loved it so I'm gonna read the book!
Today was good, I have to find another home for one of the kittens cause my aunt doesn't have anyone :/ So we'll see. I wanna kill my dog lol she keeps chewing things up in my room, and at four in the morning shes wines cause she wants to go out and I haven't been able to sleep cause of her. UGH I just want to kill her sometimes. No what I really wanted to do this morning was put her out and leave her in her kennel and leave her there so she wouldn't be waking me up anymore. I wish it was hot again, I just got a bathing suit I can't use till it gets hot again lol oh I'm really tired today, I can't wait to go to bed, but its to early it'll be a little bit before that happens :] well night all
Today was good, I have to find another home for one of the kittens cause my aunt doesn't have anyone :/ So we'll see. I wanna kill my dog lol she keeps chewing things up in my room, and at four in the morning shes wines cause she wants to go out and I haven't been able to sleep cause of her. UGH I just want to kill her sometimes. No what I really wanted to do this morning was put her out and leave her in her kennel and leave her there so she wouldn't be waking me up anymore. I wish it was hot again, I just got a bathing suit I can't use till it gets hot again lol oh I'm really tired today, I can't wait to go to bed, but its to early it'll be a little bit before that happens :] well night all
Monday, June 25, 2012
As we type as it may be I have this adorable kitten on my chest! They are four weeks old and they just learned how to clime out of there laundry bin lol they are so cute I just love them.
Life is good right now, I'm talking to a few guys, ones named Andrew, hes really cute. Blond hair, blue eye's, tall, like really tall. Okay I'm 5'1" and he's.....6'6" lol big difference but he said he doesn't care, also he lives like an hour away but I mean we could go out see how thing's go? Then there's this other guy, I kinda don't no his name but i don't think we are talking anymore lol I don't no its all so crazy. Work is good not much to report on that front. I'm going down to see nana and then over to grampy's for the 4th I do believe! I really wanna go swimming, I just got a new bathing suit so I wanna go soon. Oh and there are only 21 almost 20 days still my birthday!!! :D I'm so excited, I wont be a teenager anymore lol I'll be the big 20 lol can you tell that I'm excited! okay well bed for this girl I'll try and write tomorrow!
Friday, June 22, 2012
today was a better day then yesterday thank goodness. I watched a movie (again, you will find out that I like movies) called act of valor. It was a very good movie it made me cry though.
I hate guys, I say that a lot it seems. I just wish I could find a guy that doesn't cheat, lie, and just treats me right. I just want someone that will see me for me, someone not afraid to be seen with in public and will love on me. I think that's the most thing I miss about a relationship, I miss the kissing lol its not all physical I no that but that's what I miss, being able to look over at that person and just kiss them.
I didn't tell you yesterday, we are moving. The parents sign the final papers July 27th (hopefully) I'm excited! Bigger room and my baby brother doesn't have to walk through my room, plus it has central air and a amazing kitchen! Mum says shes gonna cook, we all just looked at her funny lol
I think that's all for today, I need to get to sleep. until tomorrow :]
I hate guys, I say that a lot it seems. I just wish I could find a guy that doesn't cheat, lie, and just treats me right. I just want someone that will see me for me, someone not afraid to be seen with in public and will love on me. I think that's the most thing I miss about a relationship, I miss the kissing lol its not all physical I no that but that's what I miss, being able to look over at that person and just kiss them.
I didn't tell you yesterday, we are moving. The parents sign the final papers July 27th (hopefully) I'm excited! Bigger room and my baby brother doesn't have to walk through my room, plus it has central air and a amazing kitchen! Mum says shes gonna cook, we all just looked at her funny lol
I think that's all for today, I need to get to sleep. until tomorrow :]
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Oh goodness I haven't written in a very long time. Tonight I was watching a movie and I realized I that I needed to write things down because I can't keep crying all the time about my grad mother I no that it takes a long time to get over something like I went through I just need to write it down because I'm on my computer a lot so I'll just do it whenever I'm on :]
It's hard for me to talk to a people that didn't no my grad mother because she did a lot of not so good things in her live and when I do talk to my family they tell me that it'll go away on it's own and I don't want to talk about it with like a shrink because that would just be a wast of money that I don't have, also it's not like I'm depressed, I don't no what I am. All I no is that whenever I here a certain song or watch a movie where they are talking about god or someone dies and there is a funeral i can't help but ball my eyes out and I wish it didn't happen but it does every time. I looked up the seven stages of grief and they are,
1. Shock and Denial
Now I never went through this because nana had cancer and daddy would tell me all the time "nana's not gonna live forever and sooner or later she's gonna die" and whenever he would talk about it I would ignore him because I didn't want to here about it or talk about it because I didn't think it was gonna happen like it did so I didn't really go through this stage.
2. Pain and Guilt
Now in the paragraph after this it says " As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain." Now when uncle Scott called to tell me nana had passed away it hurt so bad for a few days and I don't no how long this is supposed to last but it just hurt when he told me and for the rest of that day it didnt really hurt after and I don't no if that's wrong but everyone's different so I guess its normal for me as for the guilt part I was felt guilty because I wasn't there when she died. I wish I could have been, to say good bye one last time but every time I go down to grampy's which to tell you the truth isn't a lot cause it hurts but every time I go down there I go into there room and sit next to her urn and talk for a bit and kiss her.
3. Anger and Bargaining
Now I definitely was angry I didnt understand why it had to happen to her when I needed her in my life so much but then she was just gone and I didn't even get to say good bye, I wish she just opened her eyes once more so I could have told her and have her look at me, it's still so hard, like I can't remember to the last time I called her. I think it was a long time, like the week before she was hospitalized she had surgery and I don't think I called to see how she did. It just makes me mad and I wish I could turn back time. So I guess that's bargaining? lol
4. Depression, Reflection and Loneliness
Now in this stage its telling you to go through it and not be talked out of it "Engorgement is not helpful to you in this stage of grieving", you finally realize the magnitude of your loss and it depresses you, you
isolate yourself on purpose, and reflect on things you did with your loved one. you may feel emptiness. Now no one talked me out of grieving because i don't really think people payed much attention and I'm really good at hiding things like that. Yeah I realized nana was gone but i knew that before and I was already sad but I wouldn't go so far to say depressed. I didnt isolate myself I tried not to think about it when I was working and then when I drove home late at night I would ball my eyes out because of things that I remembered or saw at work or even a song. I still reflect on things I did with nana and I think of things I never got to do with nana and that makes me even sadder/madder and yeah of course I felt emptiness, I just lost one of the people I never wanted to die.
5. The upward turn
Adjusting to life without your dear one, your depression begins to life slightly. This stage came faster because I had to go back to work, I mean I was still depressed I guess but it wasn't as bad it was getting better I would only cry every other day instead of everyday and I still cry every once in awhile just not every day or every other. So i guess its true it does begin to lift slightly.
6. Reconstruction and Working through
Becoming more functional, starting to reconstructing your life without your loved one. I think I was always functional, and my life didnt fall apart because I had my father and mother, not that I talked to anyone but they wear there and I just cried a lot and it seemed to help lol the saying is true no matter how much I hate it, but "life must go on" and that's exactly what it did.
7. Acceptance and Hope
The seventh stage, you learn to accept and deal with your situation, acceptance doesn't mean instant happiness, you will never return to your other self because you've changed, but you will find a way forward. Now I don't no wear I am, because I've accepted that nana wont be coming to my wedding or see any of my babies, but I still cry a lot. I'm never gonna be my old self because now I no what it feels like to lose someone that I'm that close to, she was my first and I no that she wont be my last but I'm never gonna forget anything about this process. And I have no clue what the hope BS is because I can hope until my face turns blue that she's gonna come back but its not gonna happen. I personally think it should just be acceptance, because that's what I've done, accepted it, I just don't like it very much. But I'm gonna live my life for her because she can't.
I'm never gonna forget her, I'm never gonna stop thinking about her and she's always gonna be on my mind and in my heart. Now I just have an extra angle watching over me! :]
It's hard for me to talk to a people that didn't no my grad mother because she did a lot of not so good things in her live and when I do talk to my family they tell me that it'll go away on it's own and I don't want to talk about it with like a shrink because that would just be a wast of money that I don't have, also it's not like I'm depressed, I don't no what I am. All I no is that whenever I here a certain song or watch a movie where they are talking about god or someone dies and there is a funeral i can't help but ball my eyes out and I wish it didn't happen but it does every time. I looked up the seven stages of grief and they are,
1. Shock and Denial
Now I never went through this because nana had cancer and daddy would tell me all the time "nana's not gonna live forever and sooner or later she's gonna die" and whenever he would talk about it I would ignore him because I didn't want to here about it or talk about it because I didn't think it was gonna happen like it did so I didn't really go through this stage.
2. Pain and Guilt
Now in the paragraph after this it says " As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain." Now when uncle Scott called to tell me nana had passed away it hurt so bad for a few days and I don't no how long this is supposed to last but it just hurt when he told me and for the rest of that day it didnt really hurt after and I don't no if that's wrong but everyone's different so I guess its normal for me as for the guilt part I was felt guilty because I wasn't there when she died. I wish I could have been, to say good bye one last time but every time I go down to grampy's which to tell you the truth isn't a lot cause it hurts but every time I go down there I go into there room and sit next to her urn and talk for a bit and kiss her.
3. Anger and Bargaining
Now I definitely was angry I didnt understand why it had to happen to her when I needed her in my life so much but then she was just gone and I didn't even get to say good bye, I wish she just opened her eyes once more so I could have told her and have her look at me, it's still so hard, like I can't remember to the last time I called her. I think it was a long time, like the week before she was hospitalized she had surgery and I don't think I called to see how she did. It just makes me mad and I wish I could turn back time. So I guess that's bargaining? lol
4. Depression, Reflection and Loneliness
Now in this stage its telling you to go through it and not be talked out of it "Engorgement is not helpful to you in this stage of grieving", you finally realize the magnitude of your loss and it depresses you, you
isolate yourself on purpose, and reflect on things you did with your loved one. you may feel emptiness. Now no one talked me out of grieving because i don't really think people payed much attention and I'm really good at hiding things like that. Yeah I realized nana was gone but i knew that before and I was already sad but I wouldn't go so far to say depressed. I didnt isolate myself I tried not to think about it when I was working and then when I drove home late at night I would ball my eyes out because of things that I remembered or saw at work or even a song. I still reflect on things I did with nana and I think of things I never got to do with nana and that makes me even sadder/madder and yeah of course I felt emptiness, I just lost one of the people I never wanted to die.
5. The upward turn
Adjusting to life without your dear one, your depression begins to life slightly. This stage came faster because I had to go back to work, I mean I was still depressed I guess but it wasn't as bad it was getting better I would only cry every other day instead of everyday and I still cry every once in awhile just not every day or every other. So i guess its true it does begin to lift slightly.
6. Reconstruction and Working through
Becoming more functional, starting to reconstructing your life without your loved one. I think I was always functional, and my life didnt fall apart because I had my father and mother, not that I talked to anyone but they wear there and I just cried a lot and it seemed to help lol the saying is true no matter how much I hate it, but "life must go on" and that's exactly what it did.
7. Acceptance and Hope
The seventh stage, you learn to accept and deal with your situation, acceptance doesn't mean instant happiness, you will never return to your other self because you've changed, but you will find a way forward. Now I don't no wear I am, because I've accepted that nana wont be coming to my wedding or see any of my babies, but I still cry a lot. I'm never gonna be my old self because now I no what it feels like to lose someone that I'm that close to, she was my first and I no that she wont be my last but I'm never gonna forget anything about this process. And I have no clue what the hope BS is because I can hope until my face turns blue that she's gonna come back but its not gonna happen. I personally think it should just be acceptance, because that's what I've done, accepted it, I just don't like it very much. But I'm gonna live my life for her because she can't.
I'm never gonna forget her, I'm never gonna stop thinking about her and she's always gonna be on my mind and in my heart. Now I just have an extra angle watching over me! :]
This is Nana and Grampy dancing at someones wedding along time ago!
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