Oh goodness I haven't written in a very long time. Tonight I was watching a movie and I realized I that I needed to write things down because I can't keep crying all the time about my grad mother I no that it takes a long time to get over something like I went through I just need to write it down because I'm on my computer a lot so I'll just do it whenever I'm on :]

It's hard for me to talk to a people that didn't no my grad mother because she did a lot of not so good things in her live and when I do talk to my family they tell me that it'll go away on it's own and I don't want to talk about it with like a shrink because that would just be a wast of money that I don't have, also it's not like I'm depressed, I don't no what I am. All I no is that whenever I here a certain song or watch a movie where they are talking about god or someone dies and there is a funeral i can't help but ball my eyes out and I wish it didn't happen but it does every time. I looked up the seven stages of grief and they are,


1. Shock and Denial


     Now I never went through this because nana had cancer and daddy would tell me all the time "nana's not gonna live forever and sooner or later she's gonna die" and whenever he would talk about it I would ignore him because I didn't want to here about it or talk about it because I didn't think it was gonna happen like it did so I didn't really go through this stage.


2. Pain and Guilt


      Now in the paragraph after this it says " As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain." Now when uncle Scott called to tell me nana had passed away it hurt so bad for a few days and I don't no how long this is supposed to last but it just hurt when he told me and for the rest of that day it didnt really hurt after and I don't no if that's wrong but everyone's different so I guess its normal for me as for the guilt part I was felt guilty because I wasn't there when she died. I wish I could have been, to say good bye one last time but every time I go down to grampy's which to tell you the truth isn't a lot cause it hurts but every time I go down there I go into there room and sit next to her urn and talk for a bit and kiss her. 


3. Anger and Bargaining


       Now I definitely was angry I didnt understand why it had to happen to her when I needed her in my life so much but then she was just gone and I didn't even get to say good bye, I wish she just opened her eyes once more so I could have told her and have her look at me, it's still so hard, like I can't remember to the last time I called her. I think it was a long time, like the week before she was hospitalized she had surgery and I don't think I called to see how she did. It just makes me mad and I wish I could turn back time. So I guess that's bargaining? lol 


4. Depression, Reflection and Loneliness


       Now in this stage its telling you to go through it and not be talked out of it "Engorgement is not helpful to you in this stage of grieving", you finally realize the magnitude of your loss and it depresses you, you    
isolate yourself on purpose, and reflect on things you did with your loved one. you may feel emptiness. Now no one talked me out of grieving because i don't really think people payed much attention and I'm really good at hiding things like that. Yeah I realized nana was gone but i knew that before and I was already sad but I wouldn't go so far to say depressed. I didnt isolate myself I tried not to think about it when I was working and then when I drove home late at night I would ball my eyes out because of things that I remembered or saw at work or even a song. I still reflect on things I did with nana and I think of things I never got to do with nana and that makes me even sadder/madder and yeah of course I felt emptiness, I just lost one of the people I never wanted to die. 


5. The upward turn 

       Adjusting to life without your dear one, your depression begins to life slightly. This stage came faster because I had to go back to work, I mean I was still depressed I guess but it wasn't as bad it was getting better I would only cry every other day instead of everyday and I still cry every once in awhile just not every day or every other. So i guess its true it does begin to lift slightly. 

6. Reconstruction and Working through 


       Becoming more functional, starting to reconstructing your life without your loved one. I think I was always functional, and my life didnt fall apart because I had my father and mother, not that I talked to anyone but they wear there and I just cried a lot and it seemed to help lol the saying is true no matter how much I hate it, but "life must go on" and that's exactly what it did.


7. Acceptance and Hope 


       The seventh stage, you learn to accept and deal with your situation, acceptance doesn't mean instant happiness, you will never return to your other self because you've changed, but you will find a way forward. Now I don't no wear I am, because I've accepted that nana wont be coming to my wedding or see any of my babies, but I still cry a lot. I'm never gonna be my old self because now I no what it feels like to lose someone that I'm that close to, she was my first and I no that she wont be my last but I'm never gonna forget anything about this process.  And I have no clue what the hope BS is because I can hope until my face turns blue that she's gonna come back but its not gonna happen. I personally think it should just be acceptance, because that's what I've done, accepted it, I just don't like it very much. But I'm gonna live my life for her because she can't.

I'm never gonna forget her, I'm never gonna stop thinking about her and she's always gonna be on my mind and in my heart. Now I just have an extra angle watching over me! :] 

This is Nana and Grampy dancing at someones wedding along time ago!