tomorrow is going to be the hardest day i have ever had to face as of my life today, im trying to remember all the good times i had with her and im trying to remember all the things she told me and just everything that i can but its hard when your upset and im its hard to think about anything except that one person that you no wont be with you for much longer and everytime i think about her not being with me i just want to cry, im changing my tattoo, the one i want to get on my foot, im gonna get a cross on my foot with her birth and death. the thing that makes me so mad is that she fought for eveything. she fought her throat cancer, and her lung cancer she fouth through everything and she still didnt make it. i just hate life sometimes!

you would think i would be use to death, i work with it all the time. I hug the person, i cry with them and i tell them im sorry. But you dont no anything unless that person that dies is someone you cair about, someone that means the world to you, you have no ideah. Im never just gonna tell them im sorry, im gonna tell them i no how it feels and i wish that i could bring them back but thats impossible. My nana is on vents that are making her breath and he brain is swelling and even if she did wake up then she would be a vegtable she wouldnt be the same person i knew, i dont no whats worse, her waking up and staying with us as a vegtable or her dieing. i wish this never happened. i wish i could take it back and make it all go away.

why is the question of the day.

everyone always says why and i never new what to tell them, i never new the pain they wear feeling because i never had to live through it, i never new why they wear crying for no reason that i could see, i never new why when you looked at them and talked to them they didnt look like they wear there. now i no, i no how they lived through it, and suffered the pain, i no now why they cry becaus thinking of that person kills them so much on the inside, and i no now because when someones talks to me im not there im always thinking about my nana, i honestly cant even imagine my life without her in it, and its so hard to think back because i just want to imagine her in my furture i wanted her at my wedding i wanted her to see my children and now im not going to be able to do that bacuse she wont be here. shes so young shes one 59 thats NOT old. i cant even think right now im runing on nothing. i just wish i could go to sleep and wake up and have this be a bad dream all of it the last three years i wish she wasnt sick and i wish i could worn her somehow that when she started to get sick maybe they could have done somethin elts idk i just wish i could change the past. okay thats it for tonight i need to go to bed. :/ </3

im so freeking mad right now, So last night my mom calls me and we talk about how the day went and then she says i think your working tomorrow so i call work this morning asking if i am and when she said yes im like oh thats weird i didnt no i was working. then i tell her that i cant make it in because my grad mother is dieing and i cant be there im in salam sorry and shes a compleat bitch about it shes like well did you no your working next week to, im like yes i have thoes down. I HATE HER, she alwasy does this she puts me on the scedual when im not really on there. ugh she drives me nuts! i cant stand her. Why would you be a bitch to someone that just told you there nanas dieing, like have some compassion really. i just give up why do i even try to be nice to these ppl like seriously.

life

you no i thought life was going good, i had a new boy in my life, my nana just got rid of her cancer, my job was going good, and then ka boom. Why does it always work out that way seriosly, my nanas in the hospital now they dont no if she'll make it, the boy thing is fine, just on hold for a few day. i just wish sometimes that i could close my eys and everything would be better cause right now thats all i want to do. It all started this morning, i got a phone call (whenever i get phone calls before 9 or 10 its always a bad sign, unless its my father then he just wants to wake me up) So i answer my phone half asleep and my aunt chrisy starts talking to me and i think im draming so i say hi how are you and she say not so good and im like well thats to bad, and then shes saying about how nanas in the hospital and then i really wake up cause i relize im not dreaming and i question her, well she said nana stoped breathing in the middle of the night and shes in the hospital and they dont alot but she stoped breathing in the middle of the night and grampy couldnt get her to breath again so he called 911 well she went 15 to 20mins without oxygen to her brain and she didnt have a pulse when they got here. So now shes in the hospital non responsive and they have to do more test tomorrow and a machines breathing for her and i just wish this had never happened shes an amazing person and i just cant imagain my life without her in it. :/ thats all for today i need sleep badly! </3

Just life :]

lets see, life is kinda crazy right now. Job, guys, just everything. First off ill say from working the morning shift then going to nights really sucks! ha im glad that i have tomorrow off and im also going out, but i will tell you more about that after. :] i was working st.francis tonight and mum was theres her class is weird haha im getting along more with ashley i hope she likes me its kinda like high school having the popular girl like you :] but it was kind of an easy night i was just really tired! Okay now to the boys thing, so theres this guy, we went out a few times but then he said he didnt really want a relationship, but i do so i told him that i didnt really want to wast my time, so i moved on dated other people w/e so then he messaged me on the dating site that i was on the other day and was like we need to talk and i really want to see you i want you back i want to see your smile and hear your laugh and im such an idiot for letting you go. Then theres this other guy and we've talked for like 2 mounths and we wear going to meet and then he had some family issues so we just didnt meet and then i stoped talking to him, well he text me a few time and i just didnt answer and idk i just didnt want to talk to him then one night i talked to him again, but that was after i talked to jake the other guy saying that we could talk and maybe go out and see what would come of it. But we did that and he was really mean to me the last day that we hung out, and i think thats why i dont want to and if i was really into jake i wouldnt have talked to codey right?? So now that ive writtin this all out i belive i have my answer! im gonna choice :] im glad i have this thing! :D

Number two

So today, work as usual, 1030-8 I honestly just dont like working there I do the same things ove and over again. nothings ever new, its the same thing over and over again. I get to work check the report, then we go clean 2 rooms. thne i set up for lunch, we serve lunch then i go to lunch (which is an hour, awesome) then i come back and eaither put the residents clothes away or clean something. Then the morning girl leaves and im by myself for an hour, ill set up for dinner, get menus for the next day stuff like that. Then when the night girl comes in we count the pills then ill go visit with some of the residents then we serve dinner, we clear the clean up after dinner then put one of the residents to bed, if its someones shower night then thats somewear in the day but thats pretty much everyday and all the time. its really annoying, and monotonous.

number one

So im brand new to this! My best friend has one and I think it sounded okay, so here I am! :]
Im most likly going to use it like i would a Diary, im just gonna tell everything that happened about my day, if you dont want to read it then dont its just to you!